First Step

Yipeee! I finally made it to the gym today!

Getting healthy and fit seems to be back in vogue these days, just like Oprah. Women have different reasons why they gain weight, Oprah said she abused food. I did not, I just let myself go.

They said that it is always harder to lose weight after the second baby, in my case, it was undeniable. After giving birth to Jacob, all the weight that I gained during the pregnancy just seemed to melt off my body. I was back to my old jeans pre-pregnancy less than a week after I gave birth. With Joshua, the weight stayed. I breastfed him for 8 months, during that time, I didn't gain any more weight, but the pounds were really very slow to come off. When I weaned him, that's when I started to gain weight.

It was also around the time that we found out that Jacob had special needs (speech and social delays, sensory issues). Totally clueless about special needs, it was really hard for me. For more than a year, I was really miserable. I totally dedicated myself to understanding and getting what Jacob needed, and what's worse, I also found out that Joshua has the same special needs too. That's when I disappeared, that I seized to exist, that my only reason for being then was to provide my kids whatever they need.

Sometimes I can not even believe how I looked like in my pictures. I looked homely- or "losyang" as how we put it in Tagalog. But the sadder thing was, I didn't care.

That was then though. Both Jacob and Joshua are thriving in their new schools, and somewhere along the way, I have finally completed the stages of grief. I have now reached acceptance, and I am now completely at peace with the fact that I am a mom of 2 special needs kids. It is still hard, yes, but I can deal.

That is why I am starting to be interested in myself again. I am trying to eat healthier and also trying to be less picky with food, so my kids will not grow up to be like me. I am trying to be more active, so I will be able to keep up with their high energy level. I also got myself some new clothes, in my current size, vowing that I am not going to wear them for a long time. For the longest time, I still tried to squeeze into my old clothes, since I was in denial of how I've gotten bigger. My muffintop was frequently on display then.

Understanding the kids' special needs also led me to understand myself better. Joshua is a floppy boy, because of his low muscle tone, and guess where he got it? Don't look far. Understanding how my low muscle tone affects my body perception and my behavior has really helped me a lot. I have more manageable expectations now as to what I can or can not do. Lose 10 pounds in 30 days? Maybe not. So I am starting slowly. Go walking, use the threadmill. Baby steps. I have already done the most difficult thing to achieve my goal, I have taken the first step, the next ones should not be that hard.